Hello and welcome to Hear'say no 10 and there's plenty to rattle on about so without
further ado I shall proceed. So it seems in an effort the other week to curb excess
traffic usage and congestion in London, officialdom has come up with this wonderful new
idea of charging people for the privilege to drive in certain parts of the city.
|Not to mention for some criminal elements this must be an
early Christmas box. Just show someone else's number plate and it gives you license to
wreak havoc at someone else's expense. I recall in days of old that this idea of charging
was indeed called tolling and is certainly not new. We are told by the same said powers
that if the scheme is successful it looks likely to spread to other towns and cities up
and down the country quicker than the demise of our very own Ruddy Duck! Apparently
threatening because these poor creatures do best what many of our celebrities do without
batting an eye. Yes, the duck's promiscuous behaviour with the natives is ruffling
'purist' duck lovers feathers. So logically, despite a public outcry and all reasoning,
the answer is to blast them into oblivion. Sound familiar Messieurs Blair and Bush?
Anyway, I'm digressing I know. Oh, just a last thought though, if we humans treated our
own promiscuous brethren in the same light, I guess the Who's Who book for 2004 would be
as empty as the St Peter's church collection plate collecting for 'the knocking down of
the hall appeal'.
I have been thinking though, just say if we could, that the money raised from congestion
charging was, or could be, ploughed back into our regions/towns. You might say, how could
this benefit us? Well for a start I'd propose they build us three new roundabouts along
the Cromer Road. One at the Holt Road and Church Street junction, one at the Beeston Road
and Common Lane junction and finally one at Cookies Car Boot field entrance and Britons
Lane junction. Then, hopefully we would finally eradicate the problem of being able to
turn right in less than three hours during the summer months. It would certainly help all
those of us who like to grab a quick bargain or two and be back in time for Sunday Lunch
at the Crown. Just think of it, stumping up a fiver would give us the privilege to tootle
down to the sea wall for a quick glimpse of the sea whilst we negotiate the Shannocks
corner. Also the right to ingratiate ourselves in the two hour trip running the gauntlet
through the 3ft gap of road left by inconsiderate double-lined parking motorists alongside
Crofters Restaurant and beyond at the north end of the High Street. Obviously these few
motorists have special dispensation from the County Council and Local Constabulary.
Perhaps they pay a special secret 'nuisance license' in advance? Our £5.00 would give us
the opportunity to drive round and round aimlessly looking in vain for a vacant parking
space outside Woolworths that hasn't been taken up by a 'blue badge holder'.
Just imagine though, the disdain by some! When they first learn of the charging
inforcement. I can see their ashen, blood-drained faces now, as these thrifty motorists
squirm at the thought of forking out a few pence (50p per hour even with a blue badge, new
NNDC rate) to park on the car park, let alone a fiver to nip into town. Whatever will
these people do when they learn they'll have to cough up when they poodle down and park
outside of Budgens to pop into Marmalades for lunch?
I suppose in an ideal world we would all dig out our basket laden Raleigh bicycles and
clips, we could then turn the clock into an Eco-friendly bicycle park. That's if there's
any room left after all the anti-war protesters stalls have been set up.
I've been thinking about this charging business and have come up with a few other added
extras that could warrant a surcharge. On top of the fiver already charged to the ordinary
citizen, we could introduce otherwise previously untapped sources of revenue. For
instance, the ever increasing numbers of boy/girl racers to be politically correct) who
for much of the year ingratiate our town centre in their fast striped passion wagons,
letting off steam and at least 1000 decibels into the bargain.
|Why then can't we charge these individuals say two quid a
circuit and during the summer the council could impose a mandatory obligation for them to
comply to do a few compulsory laps of town each evening. Complete with bright flashing
discotheque lighting systems, silver painted exhausts and the name of the make of the car
on the rear window. (Presumably to remind the owner what the car originally was before all
the added extras were stuck on). The local tourist board could mention this in their
glossy brochures as one of the many local tourist attractions, the general holidaying
public could join in the fun with joyful guffaws and 'Birdie Dance' bodily gestures as the
cars monotonously go round and round and round
etc. On the lookout for
possible mating material. Perhaps on special occasions the Sally Ann Band could join in,
but the Timbrels would have to learn a bit of rap to make it effectual. Collecting the
money could be the greatest problem, so I propose to place at each end and at every
entrance to town, tollbooths and cameras. Oh what fun, I can hear the chinking of the cash
registers now. Talking of fun, we could extend the thing one step further and impose the
same sort of charge to pedestrians. Just think, in the summer when the town's pavements
are absolutely heaving and all the locals are forced to walk in the road, whilst our
beloved visitor guests decide what pub to have lunch in. Wouldn't it be great to suggest
that we adopt the Oxford Street, London proposals to have a slow and fast lane pavement
system. We could arrange it so that local people can move about easily in a hurry and go
about their daily business chores by choosing to walk in the faster outer lane. The lost,
confused, window-shopping, meandering 'grockle' could use the slower inner lane at their
leisure to browse the wonderful array of goods our shops have to offer. There could be
along route, small shelters fitted with seats for our shopping guests to rest and wait for
some of our shops to open again after lunch. This could all be paid for as the thousands
of people pass through the underground type turnstiles where they would pay by swipe card
or 20p in the slot. Motorised buggies would have their own special booth built which
includes an in-built electric power charger, should they have to queue too long with the
sheer volume of traffic.
My guess is that we could have this up and running before 2060, which incidentally
according to Isaac Newton is his date for the end of the world!
Be good now, Vic
|SCAMROD 2008 Ltd
'Beam Me Up'
Station Town to Sunway Park
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